Since many of you are avid New York Times readers (being part of the liberal elite), you have probably now read that I have completed my move to the City that Never Sleeps. For the record, the city DOES sleep, just standing up. Similar to giraffes, in about six, five minute intervals a day.
Anyways, after traveling through the computer-less Guatemala City airport, touching down briefly in Boston, and taking the Fung Wah southbound (see: "Riding the Dog," 7.24.06), I have finally entered the next phase of my life I like to call, "Unsucessfully Navigating Educational Bureaucracy." Apparently, my current status is Student Sans Privileges. I can get into all the buildings, I just can't do anything once I'm there. Various hurdles still include: Proving I am germ-free, unleashing my new-found borrowed wealth, 'posting my tuition' (an unknown step, which when asked, was described to me as "when my tuition posts to my account. Next!"), setting up all the utilities in my apartment, and reconfiguring my Freedom Levels to correspond to our new threat level status. So, pretty much, I've got everything completely under control.
I actually can't believe that I live in New York now. Unlike just about every other person in the world, I have never dreamed of living in the Big Apple, thought it was mostly laquered in urine on the weekends, and never had illusions of bunking with the Old Woman who lived in a shoebox. Nonetheless, I'm here and have to deal. That said, it's still NYC, so I should just shut the hell up and appreciate it. Moving on...
Regarding air travel, please be aware of our new airport regulations, in place for your safety. To preface this list for a moment, I have never complained when asked to take off my smelly shoes, am asked to empty the entire contents of my carefully-packed bag, am subjected to 'wanding' by overzealous airport screening agents, or have to show my ID 4 times in the same line. I don't want to blow up (but if this happens, I am confident in the efficacy of my seat cushion, which conveniently turns into a flotation device in the event of a mid-air explosion), but these new regulations certainly put a damper on the pleasures of recirculated air and vacuum-flush toilets.
1) No Liquids -- or anything that may or may not have once been a liquid. This includes water (the steward-prescribed two tablespoons are enough for anyone, thank you), lotion, Frosty the Snowman, your flask of "medicine," liquified natural gas (to power your laptop), and toothpaste, in addition to anything 'icky.'
2) No Talking -- Anyone seen talking during a flight relinquishes their right to a fair and speedy trial, as it is likely they are speaking in code about when they are going to mix their aloe vera and Crest in the bathroom for maximum carnage. If you do so, the stewards will have forms on hand to forward your mail to Guantamano Bay (see: X-Ray, non-medical).
3) NO CELL PHONES!! -- Despite the fact that a billion dollar piece of machinery can fly five miles high at speeds in excess of 500 mph through a lightening storm, your crappy little phone that doesn't even search the web properly can bring that puppy down like a cheetah on a wildebeast. Be reasonable people, it's just common sense.
4) No machetes -- We know the Large Sword and Knife Ban has been in effect for quite some time, I just wanted to mention it again for those traveling with small children or supervisors.
5) Call Buttons -- You are no longer able to 'ding!' the stewards. While not technically a National Security measure, it is now considered sexual harrassment, and has been discontinued (see: ashtrays, full of gum). For those passengers who still want to ask pressing questions of the flight crew such as, "Is there a patio?," or "Why do I have a flotation device on my cross-country flight?," the answers are 1) only for 1st class passengers, and 2) airlines only crash into the Great Salt Lake, and on weekends, Lake Tahoe.
For more on World War III, Joe Lieberman's candidacy in the Bull-Moose Party, and advanced breathing techniques for Sudoku, I'm sorry, I've got nothing for you.
August 11, 2006
August 3, 2006
Holy Melting 700 Club, Batman!!
Heat wave makes Pat Robertson a global warming 'convert'
VIRGINIA BEACH, VA -- The Reverend Pat Robertson says he
hasn't been a believer in global warming in the past, but this
summer's record-breaking heat is -- quote -- "making a convert
out of me."
On his "700 Club" broadcast, Robertson said, "It is getting hotter,
and the icecaps are melting and there is a buildup of carbon
dioxide in the air."
Switching sides on an issue that divides evangelical Christians,
Robertson said, "We really need to address the burning of
fossil fuels."
The religious broadcaster told viewers, "If we are contributing
to the destruction of this planet, we need to do something about it."
Copyright 2006 Associated Press.
-------------------------------------------
¨But, he added, ¨hurricanes, which look like baby fetuses, are still
caused by the Homosexual Abortion Agenda. Just wanted to
make that clear...¨
August 1, 2006
Me llamo Pam Wooall
Well, I arrived in Guatemala City to a sign outside the airport waiting for me. So it read, ¨Pam Wooall,¨close enough for this gringo. I got on. And so began my introduction to the joys of diesel fumes, the importance of a 13-year old Spanish education, and the pros and cons of ignoring what I thought to be the rules of the road.
Pass on the wrong side of the road just before a blind curve? Sure! When you discover that this maneuver just granted you a one way ticket to a head on collision, just force the adjacent car into the breakdown lane! Follow these simple suggestions, and you too will get the joys of driving in Guatemala in the comfort of your own language, with all the pleasures of outrageous insurance premiums.
That said, Sasha has arranged an outstanding itinerary for us during my relatively short week here in the Land of the Altitudinally Challenged. Within 24 hours of arriving to her still infirm self in Panajachel (Spanish for Venice Beach Boardwalk), we were checking into our room perched cliffside on Lake Atitlan. After chastising her for her poor choice of dual-volcano views, accessible only by (chicken) boat, we managed to find time in our busy afternoon to relax. The next day, after leaving the requisite amount of clothing absentmindedly behind at the hotel (I had already donated my ATM card to the fine people of Panajachel the day before), we boarded a 'chicken bus' for Quetzaltenango, where she is studying Spanish (adonde Sasha esta estudiando espanol). We even managed to rent a cardboard box of live chickens for the trip to solidify the nickname. I tell you, Sasha doesn't miss a trick...
Let me digress for a moment on the fact that while this blog (remember - boring, laughable, obnoxious griping) does not center on the great liberal nation of East Bushistan, this country I'm in sure could go for some freedomizing. But, as always, I digress...
Today we went to an indigenous villiage high in the mountains, which sustained considerable damage during last year's Hurricane Stan. You know, that hurricane we waited for with bated breath, hoping that it did not hit the Gulf Coast? Well, it hit Guatemala instead. Remember all those CNN reports on the devastation it caused? No, of course not. Anderson Cooper had problems with his Visa (he is on the Too-White-to-Travel Watch List).
Anyways, the Mayan village of Xeabaj (shay-a-bah) was buried under numerous landslides, with the people escaping to the schoolhouse only hours before. USAID is on the scene, along with what appears to be Habitat for Humanity (seemingly populated solely by folks south of the Maxon-Dixon line -- Jimmy Carter's got some Yankee-recruitin' to do...). We had the distinct privilege of planting trees on what I can only acertain to be land that was too steep even for the Mayans to undertake such a dangerous task. Fortunately, we did not lose anyone to the death-defying brambles. As previous emails from Sasha will attest, it is located on simply breathtaking land, which I plan to develop 100 - 120 luxury condos once I get out of business school. The return on indigenous investment is just too good to pass up.
What? I'm an inconsiderate, gringo bastard, you say? Perhaps, but a 3-bedroom penthouse that I could sell you at a discounted 'friend-price' might change your mind... In any case, back to multi-colored, Mayan dispair. The kids in this village are just too cute, and the women incredibly skeptical that we are going to steal them for their organs. I feces you not. It just goes to show, one widely-populated email chain can just ruin it for the rest of us. Overall, I'm really glad Sasha took me there. We went with her school, which for all I can tell, is filled with people who are one degree of separation from all of you. They either teach in Berkeley High, live in JP, or are within spitting distance of our new place in Brooklyn. It's frickin' eerie... To sum up, you haven't lived until you've seen an indigenous person on a cell phone.
If this is becoming too long to read, chalk it up to the one book you read this summer. You know me, I freedom ramble.
Anyways, next on the list is Antigua, the land of photographed doors (I don't know why, but it seems as though that's all anyone does there), followed by the mystical, fantastically un-buried Mayan city of Tikal (where they all used to go on holiday prior to the Great Mayan Peekaboo).
I intend to sacrifice a goat for the Sox. Old meets new, while simultaneously pushing the boundaries of common decency. What could be more 21st century? Then back to taking pictures of doors, before I board my last rump-numbing, Boston drivers'-got-nothin-on-these-guys van ride back to Guatemala airport.
I'll keep an eye out for the 'Rim Toodle' sign. How else will I know it's for me...?
Pass on the wrong side of the road just before a blind curve? Sure! When you discover that this maneuver just granted you a one way ticket to a head on collision, just force the adjacent car into the breakdown lane! Follow these simple suggestions, and you too will get the joys of driving in Guatemala in the comfort of your own language, with all the pleasures of outrageous insurance premiums.
That said, Sasha has arranged an outstanding itinerary for us during my relatively short week here in the Land of the Altitudinally Challenged. Within 24 hours of arriving to her still infirm self in Panajachel (Spanish for Venice Beach Boardwalk), we were checking into our room perched cliffside on Lake Atitlan. After chastising her for her poor choice of dual-volcano views, accessible only by (chicken) boat, we managed to find time in our busy afternoon to relax. The next day, after leaving the requisite amount of clothing absentmindedly behind at the hotel (I had already donated my ATM card to the fine people of Panajachel the day before), we boarded a 'chicken bus' for Quetzaltenango, where she is studying Spanish (adonde Sasha esta estudiando espanol). We even managed to rent a cardboard box of live chickens for the trip to solidify the nickname. I tell you, Sasha doesn't miss a trick...
Let me digress for a moment on the fact that while this blog (remember - boring, laughable, obnoxious griping) does not center on the great liberal nation of East Bushistan, this country I'm in sure could go for some freedomizing. But, as always, I digress...
Today we went to an indigenous villiage high in the mountains, which sustained considerable damage during last year's Hurricane Stan. You know, that hurricane we waited for with bated breath, hoping that it did not hit the Gulf Coast? Well, it hit Guatemala instead. Remember all those CNN reports on the devastation it caused? No, of course not. Anderson Cooper had problems with his Visa (he is on the Too-White-to-Travel Watch List).
Anyways, the Mayan village of Xeabaj (shay-a-bah) was buried under numerous landslides, with the people escaping to the schoolhouse only hours before. USAID is on the scene, along with what appears to be Habitat for Humanity (seemingly populated solely by folks south of the Maxon-Dixon line -- Jimmy Carter's got some Yankee-recruitin' to do...). We had the distinct privilege of planting trees on what I can only acertain to be land that was too steep even for the Mayans to undertake such a dangerous task. Fortunately, we did not lose anyone to the death-defying brambles. As previous emails from Sasha will attest, it is located on simply breathtaking land, which I plan to develop 100 - 120 luxury condos once I get out of business school. The return on indigenous investment is just too good to pass up.
What? I'm an inconsiderate, gringo bastard, you say? Perhaps, but a 3-bedroom penthouse that I could sell you at a discounted 'friend-price' might change your mind... In any case, back to multi-colored, Mayan dispair. The kids in this village are just too cute, and the women incredibly skeptical that we are going to steal them for their organs. I feces you not. It just goes to show, one widely-populated email chain can just ruin it for the rest of us. Overall, I'm really glad Sasha took me there. We went with her school, which for all I can tell, is filled with people who are one degree of separation from all of you. They either teach in Berkeley High, live in JP, or are within spitting distance of our new place in Brooklyn. It's frickin' eerie... To sum up, you haven't lived until you've seen an indigenous person on a cell phone.
If this is becoming too long to read, chalk it up to the one book you read this summer. You know me, I freedom ramble.
Anyways, next on the list is Antigua, the land of photographed doors (I don't know why, but it seems as though that's all anyone does there), followed by the mystical, fantastically un-buried Mayan city of Tikal (where they all used to go on holiday prior to the Great Mayan Peekaboo).
I intend to sacrifice a goat for the Sox. Old meets new, while simultaneously pushing the boundaries of common decency. What could be more 21st century? Then back to taking pictures of doors, before I board my last rump-numbing, Boston drivers'-got-nothin-on-these-guys van ride back to Guatemala airport.
I'll keep an eye out for the 'Rim Toodle' sign. How else will I know it's for me...?
July 24, 2006
Riding the Dog (for the last time)
Below is my letter to Greyhound Bus Lines, in regards to trip I took from NYC to Boston last night.
========================================
July 24, 2006
Stephen E. Gorman
President and Chief Executive Officer
Greyhound Lines, Inc.
P.O. Box 660362
Dallas, TX 75266-0362
Dear Mr. Gorman,
I am writing to you in regards to a series of incidents that occurred on Greyhound bus 2850, operated by driver Richard Oliver on Sunday, July 23, 2006.
The trip started off innocently enough, and I mistakenly thought that the trip would go smoothly, even thinking that our driver had a good sense of humor when he was joking with people in line at Port Authority in New York City. He even made me smile with a funny analogy about General MacArthur. This light mood on the bus soon changed.
Mr. Oliver gave the customary speech about turning our phones to vibrate, and then told us that if any of our phones rang during the trip, that he hoped we were wearing comfortable shoes, as we’d be walking to Boston. I thought that this statement was in jest, but I couldn’t be more wrong.
Someone’s phone chirped about five minutes later, it sounded as though they had received a text message. He reiterated that if it happened again, that person would be walking to Boston. Well, it did happen again, and while we were in line at the toll booth to leave the city (still on the highway, mind you), he stopped the bus, got up and walked down the aisle trying to find the ‘perpetrator.’
As he was walking back up the aisle to his seat, a black man with dreadlocks appeared to reach to get something from his friend across the aisle, and accidentally brushed Mr. Oliver’s back. Mr. Oliver then confronted the man, telling him that as soon as we were through the toll gate and across the bridge he was going to pull off the highway, kick him off the bus, and call the police to have him arrested because Mr. Oliver felt he had been ‘assaulted.’ At this point, the other passengers began to protest, especially the twenty or so of us who had witnessed the incident. We were getting into Boston late as it was, and many of us had to work in the morning.
Mr. Oliver kept to his word, and we pulled off the highway around 10pm in the Bronx. We then waited approximately 45 minutes for the police to arrive to arrest the man who “struck” Mr. Oliver (apparently there are more pressing matters in the Bronx at that time of night than a bus driver being tapped on the back). I patiently tried talking to Mr. Oliver 3-4 times when we parked on the side of the street outside AutoZone, but he told me that if I kept coming up to him, I would be kicked off the bus as well.
When the police arrived (two squad cars and five officers), the other passengers and I told them what had happened. None of the passengers corroborated the bus driver’s story that he had been ‘assaulted,’ but since Greyhound is a private business, Mr. Oliver was able to kick off the bus whoever he pleased. The officers were visibly upset that they had been pulled off of other calls, likely involving more serious matters than what I have described above, and chastised Mr. Oliver for wasting their time. You will find a record of their account of the incident in a report filed by the Bronx Police Department.
To make up for the hour lost while on the side of the road waiting for the police arrived, Mr. Oliver then proceeded to speed back to Boston (approximate speed unknown, but we passed every other car on the road in a 70 person, fully-loaded bus), to arrive only twenty minutes late, at 1:50 am this morning. In my opinion, with Mr. Oliver’s state of mind, coupled with the speed at which he drove, we were very lucky to make the rest of the trip without a fatal crash.
I do not know what actions Greyhound typically takes against employees who are racist, have very little respect for their passengers, make poor decisions with regards to the severity of incidents, and endanger every passenger on the bus by their use of excessive speed. However, to prevent your company from finding yourself in court in the future as a result of a lawsuit as a result of Mr. Oliver’s actions, I would suggest terminating his employment. With Mr. Oliver still on your payroll, you are bound to find yourself at the receiving end of a multi-million dollar discrimination settlement. Greyhound Bus Lines is very, very lucky that the gentleman who was kicked off the bus was Jamaican, and unlikely to press charges. Mr. Oliver is clearly unstable (though he may put on a front when questioned by your company about this incident), and he put all of our lives at risk. I will be very surprised if I am the only passenger on this bus who contacts you directly regarding Mr. Oliver’s egregious behavior.
I have ridden this bus line between New York and Boston approximately 20 times in recent years, and have never had an incident with any of your other drivers. They are, on the whole, courteous, engaging, safe drivers, and above all, sane. Needless to say, I will never be riding Greyhound again.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions regarding this incident. I will be unavailable from 7/30/06 – 8/7/06, but very willing to speak with anyone before and after those dates.
Sincerely yours,
Tim Woodall
626 President Street, 3rd Floor
Brooklyn, NY
857-719-3448
Enclosures: Greyhound Loading List, ticket stub
CC: Jack W. Haugsland, EVP & COO
Mark E. Southerst, SVP, General Counsel and Secretary
Ted F. Burk, VP Operations
Harry A. Clark Jr., VP Human Resources
Alex Guariento, Senior Director, Safety and Security
========================================
"Sir, you are a racist, despicable, intolerant human being, who has no capacity for dealing with people. I wish you a long and lonely life."
He thanked me...
========================================
July 24, 2006
Stephen E. Gorman
President and Chief Executive Officer
Greyhound Lines, Inc.
P.O. Box 660362
Dallas, TX 75266-0362
Dear Mr. Gorman,
I am writing to you in regards to a series of incidents that occurred on Greyhound bus 2850, operated by driver Richard Oliver on Sunday, July 23, 2006.
The trip started off innocently enough, and I mistakenly thought that the trip would go smoothly, even thinking that our driver had a good sense of humor when he was joking with people in line at Port Authority in New York City. He even made me smile with a funny analogy about General MacArthur. This light mood on the bus soon changed.
Mr. Oliver gave the customary speech about turning our phones to vibrate, and then told us that if any of our phones rang during the trip, that he hoped we were wearing comfortable shoes, as we’d be walking to Boston. I thought that this statement was in jest, but I couldn’t be more wrong.
Someone’s phone chirped about five minutes later, it sounded as though they had received a text message. He reiterated that if it happened again, that person would be walking to Boston. Well, it did happen again, and while we were in line at the toll booth to leave the city (still on the highway, mind you), he stopped the bus, got up and walked down the aisle trying to find the ‘perpetrator.’
As he was walking back up the aisle to his seat, a black man with dreadlocks appeared to reach to get something from his friend across the aisle, and accidentally brushed Mr. Oliver’s back. Mr. Oliver then confronted the man, telling him that as soon as we were through the toll gate and across the bridge he was going to pull off the highway, kick him off the bus, and call the police to have him arrested because Mr. Oliver felt he had been ‘assaulted.’ At this point, the other passengers began to protest, especially the twenty or so of us who had witnessed the incident. We were getting into Boston late as it was, and many of us had to work in the morning.
Mr. Oliver kept to his word, and we pulled off the highway around 10pm in the Bronx. We then waited approximately 45 minutes for the police to arrive to arrest the man who “struck” Mr. Oliver (apparently there are more pressing matters in the Bronx at that time of night than a bus driver being tapped on the back). I patiently tried talking to Mr. Oliver 3-4 times when we parked on the side of the street outside AutoZone, but he told me that if I kept coming up to him, I would be kicked off the bus as well.
When the police arrived (two squad cars and five officers), the other passengers and I told them what had happened. None of the passengers corroborated the bus driver’s story that he had been ‘assaulted,’ but since Greyhound is a private business, Mr. Oliver was able to kick off the bus whoever he pleased. The officers were visibly upset that they had been pulled off of other calls, likely involving more serious matters than what I have described above, and chastised Mr. Oliver for wasting their time. You will find a record of their account of the incident in a report filed by the Bronx Police Department.
To make up for the hour lost while on the side of the road waiting for the police arrived, Mr. Oliver then proceeded to speed back to Boston (approximate speed unknown, but we passed every other car on the road in a 70 person, fully-loaded bus), to arrive only twenty minutes late, at 1:50 am this morning. In my opinion, with Mr. Oliver’s state of mind, coupled with the speed at which he drove, we were very lucky to make the rest of the trip without a fatal crash.
I do not know what actions Greyhound typically takes against employees who are racist, have very little respect for their passengers, make poor decisions with regards to the severity of incidents, and endanger every passenger on the bus by their use of excessive speed. However, to prevent your company from finding yourself in court in the future as a result of a lawsuit as a result of Mr. Oliver’s actions, I would suggest terminating his employment. With Mr. Oliver still on your payroll, you are bound to find yourself at the receiving end of a multi-million dollar discrimination settlement. Greyhound Bus Lines is very, very lucky that the gentleman who was kicked off the bus was Jamaican, and unlikely to press charges. Mr. Oliver is clearly unstable (though he may put on a front when questioned by your company about this incident), and he put all of our lives at risk. I will be very surprised if I am the only passenger on this bus who contacts you directly regarding Mr. Oliver’s egregious behavior.
I have ridden this bus line between New York and Boston approximately 20 times in recent years, and have never had an incident with any of your other drivers. They are, on the whole, courteous, engaging, safe drivers, and above all, sane. Needless to say, I will never be riding Greyhound again.
Please feel free to contact me with any questions regarding this incident. I will be unavailable from 7/30/06 – 8/7/06, but very willing to speak with anyone before and after those dates.
Sincerely yours,
Tim Woodall
626 President Street, 3rd Floor
Brooklyn, NY
857-719-3448
Enclosures: Greyhound Loading List, ticket stub
CC: Jack W. Haugsland, EVP & COO
Mark E. Southerst, SVP, General Counsel and Secretary
Ted F. Burk, VP Operations
Harry A. Clark Jr., VP Human Resources
Alex Guariento, Senior Director, Safety and Security
========================================
- When I debarked the bus at 1:50am this morning, I told the bus driver the following:
"Sir, you are a racist, despicable, intolerant human being, who has no capacity for dealing with people. I wish you a long and lonely life."
He thanked me...
Attack of the Green Wal-Martians
As some of you know, I attended Wal-Mart's Sustainable Value Networks meeting down in Bentonville, Arkansas last week.
Overall, the sentiment from non-profit and academic attendees was 'it looks good, but the devil will be in the details.' As some of you can recall, I've cornered a few of you over the last few years with my grand designs for utilizing the reach and scale of Wal-Mart to be harnessed for the common good. As an avid reader of The East Bushistan Report, CEO Lee Scott reached me on my Trio/Blackberry/strange earset gizmo a few months ago, asking me to grizzle his hizzle (green his company, for those not fluent in Snoop). Though not entirely true, this episode more reflects my state of mind at the moment, rather than reality. But I digress...
The company's goals are threefold.
1) To be 100% powered by renewable energy
2) To have zero waste coming out the back of their stores
3) To sell products that are good for both the environment, and their customers
Do I believe them? Are they just going to go from squeezing conventional farmers to squeezing organic farmers? Is this the largest greenwashing project in the history of capitalism? My answers are 'reservedly yes,' 'probably,' and 'I don't think so,' for the following
reasons:
- They have pulled together 14, twenty person stakeholder teams to address every sector of their business
- Their 'Sustainability Team' is only 5 people, because they are incorporating these strategies into the established divisions, rather than 'siloing' this effort with the EHS folks
- They admittedly don't know very much about sustainability, and seem very
willing to listen
- Wal-Mart doesn't take on projects and then do them halfway. They have invested a lot of $$ into this already, and the level of savings from these initiatives is literally off the charts.
- Lee Scott really seems to understand the potential of Wal-Mart to change
the economy for the good
- They have already done a CO2 audit of the entire company, and realize that 90% of the GHG emissions associated with their business is in their supply chain, and are going to be working with their suppliers to bring this number down dramatically.
Perhaps I drank the Kool-Aid (labor-flavored!), but I really believe there's reason to be
encouraged. That is not to say that there won't be a number of detrimental effects down the line, but the company appears to have turned a corner (not a Bush 'we're turning a corner in Iraq,' but a real one...).
Now if they will only apply the same concerted effort to their labor... we'll say, challenges.
Overall, the sentiment from non-profit and academic attendees was 'it looks good, but the devil will be in the details.' As some of you can recall, I've cornered a few of you over the last few years with my grand designs for utilizing the reach and scale of Wal-Mart to be harnessed for the common good. As an avid reader of The East Bushistan Report, CEO Lee Scott reached me on my Trio/Blackberry/strange earset gizmo a few months ago, asking me to grizzle his hizzle (green his company, for those not fluent in Snoop). Though not entirely true, this episode more reflects my state of mind at the moment, rather than reality. But I digress...
The company's goals are threefold.
1) To be 100% powered by renewable energy
2) To have zero waste coming out the back of their stores
3) To sell products that are good for both the environment, and their customers
Do I believe them? Are they just going to go from squeezing conventional farmers to squeezing organic farmers? Is this the largest greenwashing project in the history of capitalism? My answers are 'reservedly yes,' 'probably,' and 'I don't think so,' for the following
reasons:
- They have pulled together 14, twenty person stakeholder teams to address every sector of their business
- Their 'Sustainability Team' is only 5 people, because they are incorporating these strategies into the established divisions, rather than 'siloing' this effort with the EHS folks
- They admittedly don't know very much about sustainability, and seem very
willing to listen
- Wal-Mart doesn't take on projects and then do them halfway. They have invested a lot of $$ into this already, and the level of savings from these initiatives is literally off the charts.
- Lee Scott really seems to understand the potential of Wal-Mart to change
the economy for the good
- They have already done a CO2 audit of the entire company, and realize that 90% of the GHG emissions associated with their business is in their supply chain, and are going to be working with their suppliers to bring this number down dramatically.
Perhaps I drank the Kool-Aid (labor-flavored!), but I really believe there's reason to be
encouraged. That is not to say that there won't be a number of detrimental effects down the line, but the company appears to have turned a corner (not a Bush 'we're turning a corner in Iraq,' but a real one...).
Now if they will only apply the same concerted effort to their labor... we'll say, challenges.
May 4, 2006
Bush to World: "The truth isn't the truth if you spell it different."
A study commissioned by the Bush administration finds that indeed, global warming is happening and is a direct result of human consumption of fossil fuels.
The new press secretary, Tony Snow clarifies, "But if you translate this study into Spanish, it means something completely different. Just ask Michael Crichton, who is really tall, and an author. "
Tim
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Federal Study Finds Accord on Warming
New York Times -- May 3, 2006
By ANDREW C. REVKIN
A scientific study commissioned by the Bush administration concluded yesterday that the lower atmosphere was indeed growing warmer and that there was "clear evidence of human influences on the climate system."
The finding eliminates a significant area of uncertainty in the debate over global warming, one that the administration has long cited as a rationale for proceeding cautiously on what it says would be costly limits on emissions of heat-trapping gases.
But White House officials noted that this was just the first of 21 assessments planned by the federal Climate Change Science Program, which was created by the administration in 2002 to address what it called unresolved questions. The officials said that while the new finding was important, the administration's policy remained focused on studying the remaining questions and using voluntary means to slow the growth in emissions of heat-trapping gases like carbon dioxide.
The focus of the new federal study was conflicting records of atmospheric temperature trends.
For more than a decade, scientists using different methods had come up with differing rates of warming at Earth's surface and in the midsection of the atmosphere, called the troposphere. These disparities had been cited by a small group of scientists, and by the administration and its allies, to question a growing consensus among climatologists that warming from heat-trapping gases could dangerously heat Earth.
The new study found that "there is no longer a discrepancy in the rate of global average temperature increase for the surface compared with higher levels in the atmosphere," in the words of a news release issued by the Commerce Department and approved by the White House. The report was published yesterday online at climatescience.gov.
The report's authors all agreed that their review of the data showed that the atmosphere was, in fact, warming in ways that generally meshed with computer simulations. The study said that the only factor that could explain the measured warming of Earth's average temperature over the last 50 years was the buildup heat-trapping gases, which are mainly emitted by burning coal and oil.
All other industrial powers except Australia have accepted mandatory restrictions on such gases under the Kyoto Protocol, but efforts to extend and expand that treaty face hurdles.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, a United Nations body that conducts an exhaustive periodic review of causes and impacts of warming, has just finished reviewing drafts of its next assessment, to be published next year.
Scientists involved in that effort, while refusing to comment on specific findings, said that research since the last assessment, in 2001, had generated much greater certainty that humans are the main force behind recent warming, and that much more warming is in store unless emissions are curtailed.
Michele St. Martin, a spokeswoman for the White House Council on Environmental Quality, said, "We welcome today's report" and added that it showed that President Bush's decision to focus nearly $2 billion a year on climate monitoring and research was "working."
Thomas Karl, the director of the National Climatic Data Center in the Commerce Department and the lead editor of the report, said it was not simply a review of existing work but also, by forcing scientists with differing views to meet repeatedly, resulted in breakthroughs.
"The evidence continues to support a substantial human impact on global temperature increases," Dr. Karl said.
John R. Christy, an author of the new report whose analysis of satellite temperature records long showed little warming above Earth's surface, said he endorsed the conclusion that "part of what has happened over the last 50 years has clearly been caused by humans."
But Dr. Christy, who teaches at the University of Alabama, Huntsville, said the report also noted that computer simulations of the climate system, while good at replicating the globally averaged temperature changes, still strayed in projecting details, particularly in the tropics.
This implied that the models remained laden with uncertainties when used to study future trends, he said.
Dr. Christy also said that even given what the models projected, it would be impossible to slow warming noticeably in the coming decades. Countries would be wise to seek ways to adapt to warming, he added, even as they seek new sources of energy that do not emit heat-trapping gases.
The new press secretary, Tony Snow clarifies, "But if you translate this study into Spanish, it means something completely different. Just ask Michael Crichton, who is really tall, and an author. "
Tim
=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=:=
Federal Study Finds Accord on Warming
New York Times -- May 3, 2006
By ANDREW C. REVKIN
A scientific study commissioned by the Bush administration concluded yesterday that the lower atmosphere was indeed growing warmer and that there was "clear evidence of human influences on the climate system."
The finding eliminates a significant area of uncertainty in the debate over global warming, one that the administration has long cited as a rationale for proceeding cautiously on what it says would be costly limits on emissions of heat-trapping gases.
But White House officials noted that this was just the first of 21 assessments planned by the federal Climate Change Science Program, which was created by the administration in 2002 to address what it called unresolved questions. The officials said that while the new finding was important, the administration's policy remained focused on studying the remaining questions and using voluntary means to slow the growth in emissions of heat-trapping gases like carbon dioxide.
The focus of the new federal study was conflicting records of atmospheric temperature trends.
For more than a decade, scientists using different methods had come up with differing rates of warming at Earth's surface and in the midsection of the atmosphere, called the troposphere. These disparities had been cited by a small group of scientists, and by the administration and its allies, to question a growing consensus among climatologists that warming from heat-trapping gases could dangerously heat Earth.
The new study found that "there is no longer a discrepancy in the rate of global average temperature increase for the surface compared with higher levels in the atmosphere," in the words of a news release issued by the Commerce Department and approved by the White House. The report was published yesterday online at climatescience.gov.
The report's authors all agreed that their review of the data showed that the atmosphere was, in fact, warming in ways that generally meshed with computer simulations. The study said that the only factor that could explain the measured warming of Earth's average temperature over the last 50 years was the buildup heat-trapping gases, which are mainly emitted by burning coal and oil.
All other industrial powers except Australia have accepted mandatory restrictions on such gases under the Kyoto Protocol, but efforts to extend and expand that treaty face hurdles.
The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, a United Nations body that conducts an exhaustive periodic review of causes and impacts of warming, has just finished reviewing drafts of its next assessment, to be published next year.
Scientists involved in that effort, while refusing to comment on specific findings, said that research since the last assessment, in 2001, had generated much greater certainty that humans are the main force behind recent warming, and that much more warming is in store unless emissions are curtailed.
Michele St. Martin, a spokeswoman for the White House Council on Environmental Quality, said, "We welcome today's report" and added that it showed that President Bush's decision to focus nearly $2 billion a year on climate monitoring and research was "working."
Thomas Karl, the director of the National Climatic Data Center in the Commerce Department and the lead editor of the report, said it was not simply a review of existing work but also, by forcing scientists with differing views to meet repeatedly, resulted in breakthroughs.
"The evidence continues to support a substantial human impact on global temperature increases," Dr. Karl said.
John R. Christy, an author of the new report whose analysis of satellite temperature records long showed little warming above Earth's surface, said he endorsed the conclusion that "part of what has happened over the last 50 years has clearly been caused by humans."
But Dr. Christy, who teaches at the University of Alabama, Huntsville, said the report also noted that computer simulations of the climate system, while good at replicating the globally averaged temperature changes, still strayed in projecting details, particularly in the tropics.
This implied that the models remained laden with uncertainties when used to study future trends, he said.
Dr. Christy also said that even given what the models projected, it would be impossible to slow warming noticeably in the coming decades. Countries would be wise to seek ways to adapt to warming, he added, even as they seek new sources of energy that do not emit heat-trapping gases.
April 28, 2006
Okay, that's it. I've had enough...
October 3, 2005
Okay, that's it. I've had enough...
I don't know how close y'all been watching the news these days, but personally, I've got CNN coming out of my ass. But did you know... how do I say this? CBS News has confirmed that FEMA rehired Michael Brown as a consultant.
Okay, I've never personally hired anybody (as my current salary will attest), but do you bring back someone who dillydallied as a whole region of people suffered, sent truckloads of ice to Maine for safekeeping instead of to Louisiana (you simply can't make this shit up), allowed the Strom Thurmond-loving Trent Lott to go up in a helicopter to check out the status of his oceanside fourth home instead of rescuing folks who were DYING, whose only qualification was dealing with mishod horseshoe emergencies, to come back on as a consultant? I mean, really? Is the absense of logic so thoroughly deep that a unqualified asshat was the best you could do for hired help? Allah help the Republican Party in the midterm elections.
But Katrina DID look like a choice-hating fetus, didn't it?
In other news, Doubleya still hasn't had public speaking lessons in five years. Anybody catch his, "Ya gotta....uh...you know....like.... be a conserver" speech? Mastercard is currently working on the rights to the footage.
We are still looking for Osama. Or are we? Are our armed forces too preoccupied with trying to hustle back with their tails between their legs from a senseless quagmire known as Iraq to assist their fellow Americans in the worst natural disaster to hit our country, ever, to look for a guy we haven't tried to find in four years? To the Administration's credit, the most recent Gallup Poll suggests that most wealthy white Americans could give a rat's ass about finding Done That, Bin Laden. Just stream-of-thoughtin' here, seeing who will salute to what flag I run up my bomb-throwing flagpole.
Sorry, yet another tangent in tangent-filled diatribe of liberal yumminess. In cinema news, check out the movie "Tiptoes". If you don't have Netflix, I bet you have a neighbor who does. Just convince him or her to rent it, then steal it when they put it out for the mailman. Not that I'm advocating violating the third corollary to the 2nd of the Lord Almighty God's Commandments (or the 4th, but who among you knows the order of these God-Laws anyways?), but if you can always claim you were trying to keep the Postal Service on it's toes (tip toes, remember the name, you won't regret it).
Must I continue with this tripe? The answer is yes. Oh, yes. THE DIGRESSION MARATHON CONTINUETH!!
Look it up, continueth is a Shakespearean term for 'nothing better to do in Avon.' But in the interest of transparency, while I was born in Avon, as my mother will attest (at Camp X-Ray), I did not actually grow up there. Which begs the question, how did my English get so good...eth? The answer: adult education classes. Okay, I'm annoying myself. This is what happens without a good editor -- you get a David Foster Wallace email. Funny man, though a terrible excuse for a guy who knows how to end a book.
"This just in: we still need more science to determine whether global warming is even real, and whether if it will actually have a detrimental effect on our economy. From the cholera-ridden, oil-soaked waters of St. Bernard Parish which was recently hit with an 80 mile wide, 30 foot high flood surge, this is Tim Woodall, reporting."
We need more oil! We need to build democracy in fundamentalist nations! Gay marriage will bring about more hurricanes as God's Wrath shows us being yourself is wrong! We need more old college roomates overseeing the health and welfare of millions! We need kids to pledge their allegence to God! Everyday! With gusto and no complaining! We need to continue to disparage the French who saved our ass in the Revolutionary War! We need to make the phrase 'fair and balanced' the laughingstock of the Oxford English Dictionary! Loud noises!
As for me, I've recently taken up both rock-climbing and ultimate frisbee. "But Tim," you ask, "didn't your hippy ass do both of those things before?" The answer: sort of, but not really (Ari Fleischer has an assistant opening in his new office, I'm just practicing...). Also, I helped edit a recent report we put out on the effect of climate change on the insurance industry.
Cliffs Notes Version: Global warming is liberal, sky-is-falling-claptrap, but you likely won't be able to buy property insurance within 5 miles of any coastline in 20 years. And if we find that half of our crops are being damaged by hail every year, it's likely Hillary had a hand in it (current annual price tag to the crop insurance insurance industry: $13B, with a 'B'). Lastly, it seems we're moving to the NYC next summer/fall, in case any of you were planning on finally moving to Boston.
Okay, my work is done here. (read: I've been canceled) I'll write you again when God instructs my hands to send another message to His Chosen People.
From East Bushistan, I love lamp.
Okay, that's it. I've had enough...
I don't know how close y'all been watching the news these days, but personally, I've got CNN coming out of my ass. But did you know... how do I say this? CBS News has confirmed that FEMA rehired Michael Brown as a consultant.
Okay, I've never personally hired anybody (as my current salary will attest), but do you bring back someone who dillydallied as a whole region of people suffered, sent truckloads of ice to Maine for safekeeping instead of to Louisiana (you simply can't make this shit up), allowed the Strom Thurmond-loving Trent Lott to go up in a helicopter to check out the status of his oceanside fourth home instead of rescuing folks who were DYING, whose only qualification was dealing with mishod horseshoe emergencies, to come back on as a consultant? I mean, really? Is the absense of logic so thoroughly deep that a unqualified asshat was the best you could do for hired help? Allah help the Republican Party in the midterm elections.
But Katrina DID look like a choice-hating fetus, didn't it?
In other news, Doubleya still hasn't had public speaking lessons in five years. Anybody catch his, "Ya gotta....uh...you know....like.... be a conserver" speech? Mastercard is currently working on the rights to the footage.
We are still looking for Osama. Or are we? Are our armed forces too preoccupied with trying to hustle back with their tails between their legs from a senseless quagmire known as Iraq to assist their fellow Americans in the worst natural disaster to hit our country, ever, to look for a guy we haven't tried to find in four years? To the Administration's credit, the most recent Gallup Poll suggests that most wealthy white Americans could give a rat's ass about finding Done That, Bin Laden. Just stream-of-thoughtin' here, seeing who will salute to what flag I run up my bomb-throwing flagpole.
Sorry, yet another tangent in tangent-filled diatribe of liberal yumminess. In cinema news, check out the movie "Tiptoes". If you don't have Netflix, I bet you have a neighbor who does. Just convince him or her to rent it, then steal it when they put it out for the mailman. Not that I'm advocating violating the third corollary to the 2nd of the Lord Almighty God's Commandments (or the 4th, but who among you knows the order of these God-Laws anyways?), but if you can always claim you were trying to keep the Postal Service on it's toes (tip toes, remember the name, you won't regret it).
Must I continue with this tripe? The answer is yes. Oh, yes. THE DIGRESSION MARATHON CONTINUETH!!
Look it up, continueth is a Shakespearean term for 'nothing better to do in Avon.' But in the interest of transparency, while I was born in Avon, as my mother will attest (at Camp X-Ray), I did not actually grow up there. Which begs the question, how did my English get so good...eth? The answer: adult education classes. Okay, I'm annoying myself. This is what happens without a good editor -- you get a David Foster Wallace email. Funny man, though a terrible excuse for a guy who knows how to end a book.
"This just in: we still need more science to determine whether global warming is even real, and whether if it will actually have a detrimental effect on our economy. From the cholera-ridden, oil-soaked waters of St. Bernard Parish which was recently hit with an 80 mile wide, 30 foot high flood surge, this is Tim Woodall, reporting."
We need more oil! We need to build democracy in fundamentalist nations! Gay marriage will bring about more hurricanes as God's Wrath shows us being yourself is wrong! We need more old college roomates overseeing the health and welfare of millions! We need kids to pledge their allegence to God! Everyday! With gusto and no complaining! We need to continue to disparage the French who saved our ass in the Revolutionary War! We need to make the phrase 'fair and balanced' the laughingstock of the Oxford English Dictionary! Loud noises!
As for me, I've recently taken up both rock-climbing and ultimate frisbee. "But Tim," you ask, "didn't your hippy ass do both of those things before?" The answer: sort of, but not really (Ari Fleischer has an assistant opening in his new office, I'm just practicing...). Also, I helped edit a recent report we put out on the effect of climate change on the insurance industry.
Cliffs Notes Version: Global warming is liberal, sky-is-falling-claptrap, but you likely won't be able to buy property insurance within 5 miles of any coastline in 20 years. And if we find that half of our crops are being damaged by hail every year, it's likely Hillary had a hand in it (current annual price tag to the crop insurance insurance industry: $13B, with a 'B'). Lastly, it seems we're moving to the NYC next summer/fall, in case any of you were planning on finally moving to Boston.
Okay, my work is done here. (read: I've been canceled) I'll write you again when God instructs my hands to send another message to His Chosen People.
From East Bushistan, I love lamp.
State of the Bushistan Address
February 26, 2006
For my requisite State of the East Bushistan Address, I give you the following bulleted list:
- [Vice] President Shoots World's Most Prolific Executor of Minors - Iran Giggles
- President** Calls for More Renewable Energy Research, Then Cuts Budget for Said Research by 13% (Irony screams, "I'm Aliiiiivvve!!")
- President** Gives Port Contract to Country that Supported the Taliban (Didn't we invade a country for this?)
- Kyoto Relative Arrives at US Shores - Northeast's Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative Approved by States (www.rggi.org)
- "Evolution is For Monkeys," Says PA School Board -- Community Gives School Board the Finger and Pink Slips
- Abortion Nearly Outlawed in South Dakota - Unwanted Children Everywhere Rejoice
- U.N. Still America's Little Bitch - John Bolten explains, "You have no business trying to be a worldwide democracy. We ARE democracy!"
- New Study: Icebergs Melting at Twice Pace as Previously thought - Frosty exclaims, "Oh shit..."
- America Still Being Treated as Liberators in Iraq - "Flowers and Songs" Death Total Now Above 2,200
- Scooter Libby May in Fact Rat out Shooter Fibby (and Turd Blossom) - Comedians Overwhelmed by Late Night Fodder
- "Man/Lizard Hybrids Running Amok in Our Cities," warns President*** - EBR editor wonders why nobody's talking about this...
Okay, that's not a comprehensive list, but apparently I'm not being paid to write drivel...
** Two "won" elections deserves two asterisks
*** Verbatim from State of the Union address: "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos." WTF!?!?!?!?
For my requisite State of the East Bushistan Address, I give you the following bulleted list:
- [Vice] President Shoots World's Most Prolific Executor of Minors - Iran Giggles
- President** Calls for More Renewable Energy Research, Then Cuts Budget for Said Research by 13% (Irony screams, "I'm Aliiiiivvve!!")
- President** Gives Port Contract to Country that Supported the Taliban (Didn't we invade a country for this?)
- Kyoto Relative Arrives at US Shores - Northeast's Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative Approved by States (www.rggi.org)
- "Evolution is For Monkeys," Says PA School Board -- Community Gives School Board the Finger and Pink Slips
- Abortion Nearly Outlawed in South Dakota - Unwanted Children Everywhere Rejoice
- U.N. Still America's Little Bitch - John Bolten explains, "You have no business trying to be a worldwide democracy. We ARE democracy!"
- New Study: Icebergs Melting at Twice Pace as Previously thought - Frosty exclaims, "Oh shit..."
- America Still Being Treated as Liberators in Iraq - "Flowers and Songs" Death Total Now Above 2,200
- Scooter Libby May in Fact Rat out Shooter Fibby (and Turd Blossom) - Comedians Overwhelmed by Late Night Fodder
- "Man/Lizard Hybrids Running Amok in Our Cities," warns President*** - EBR editor wonders why nobody's talking about this...
Okay, that's not a comprehensive list, but apparently I'm not being paid to write drivel...
** Two "won" elections deserves two asterisks
*** Verbatim from State of the Union address: "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos." WTF!?!?!?!?
A Block at War
I realize that I've sent around a number of EBR's over the years (and in it's previous incarnation as the Planet Excel Times), but I thought I'd try and get them all in one place for a change.
Therefore, ergo proctor hoc, caveat emptor, I will be posting old missives, possibly to your dismay.... And, in the interest of full disclosure, some editing has been done to both preserve the innocent, as well as wrongfully indict the guilty.
Tim
**************************************************************
January 1, 2006
EAST BUSHISTAN REPORT - A BLOCK AT WAR
Ah yes. The time o' year when the endless possibilities of the coming year
stretch out before us...
...and a night when our 29 hour-old car was innocently parked behind a large, white Suburban that, well, exploded.
Imagine our surprise upon coming home at 3 in the morning on a snowy New Years night, to find that our proud new car is, as we surmised, a CIA agent.
When we brought home the car just over a day before, I commented to Sasha that, given its complete and utter non-descriptness, and ability to blend into any parking lot, our new purchase likely reports to The Man. Our suspicions were confirmed when we found the car sitting 'innocently' next to the burned out wreck in front of it. Thinking that perhaps a few burns and melted bumper would divert the attention away from itself, our car decided to take the Fifth, and wait for its counsel to arrive. I'm hoping our glorious president's use of waterboarding is transferable to inanimate objects... our block's freedom is at stake.
Other than that, all is well in the kingdom. Okay, not WELL, seeing as the Shaggin' Wagon died about a week before, I'm still broke, procrastinating on doing grad school applications like it's my job, and global warming is progressing at an invisible, yet terminal rate. But otherwise, really good!!
The 2005 Year in Review, in East Bushistan-style bullet points:
- "Our" president earns Torture University lettermans jacket, gets low-five from Mr. Undisclosed Location
- Brangelina bursts forth onto the paparazzi scene, all those in the proximity of said bursting are afflicted.
- U.S. shortlists 'Countries to Invade Next,' conspiciously avoiding any African nations (that would be, like, soooooo 1944," says Secretary of State Condi Rice.
- Wisteria Lane Hysteria strikes those with girlfriends and/or wives. All others appear unaffected.
- Paris Hilton voted "Most Likely to Turn Into a Black Hole of Nothingness and Envelop Us All"
- FEMA Chief Michael Brown drops ball on Hurricane Katrina, claims, "It wasn't my job." Calamity ensues.
- Hurricanes Katrina and Rita highlights fact that, perhaps, and I'm probably going out on a limb here, oil may not be the most efficient (or safest) way to makethe world go 'round.
- Sasha gets into Columbia, her boyfriend becomes excited about moving to Cockroach Capital of United States.
- Jerry Falwell announces that global warming is an eco-terrorist myth propagated by pro-choice activists. Those still living in FEMA cities give him the finger.
- Gigantic tidal wave hits Indonesia and India, those at NOAA who monitor these things claim, "I didn't know I had to TELL anyone that a 70 foot wave was headed for populated areas. We just STUDY those things..."
- Red Sox Nation still reeling from previous October. Red Sox management responds in kind by getting rid of general manager, key players, and pissing off rest of team. Batboy Chet Williams excited about batting cleanup in '06. Red Sox Nation braces for next 86 years.
- CIA Chief Tenet gets medal for work to identify Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Prevous reports of irony being dead apparently false. It is alive and well, and living with Abe Vigoda.
- In a 2000 presidential debate, Bush claimed to be "not into nation building." At a 2005 press conference, president heard to say to an aide, "Fuck that, we're going to build the shit outta Iraq."
- Cause-related wristbands become en vogue. Finally, after 25 years of AIDS, everyone's wearing a rubber...
- February 2nd - Groundhog's Day came and went again. Nobody noticed except a few city councilors in Pennsylvania.
Therefore, ergo proctor hoc, caveat emptor, I will be posting old missives, possibly to your dismay.... And, in the interest of full disclosure, some editing has been done to both preserve the innocent, as well as wrongfully indict the guilty.
Tim
**************************************************************
January 1, 2006
EAST BUSHISTAN REPORT - A BLOCK AT WAR
Ah yes. The time o' year when the endless possibilities of the coming year
stretch out before us...
...and a night when our 29 hour-old car was innocently parked behind a large, white Suburban that, well, exploded.
Imagine our surprise upon coming home at 3 in the morning on a snowy New Years night, to find that our proud new car is, as we surmised, a CIA agent.
When we brought home the car just over a day before, I commented to Sasha that, given its complete and utter non-descriptness, and ability to blend into any parking lot, our new purchase likely reports to The Man. Our suspicions were confirmed when we found the car sitting 'innocently' next to the burned out wreck in front of it. Thinking that perhaps a few burns and melted bumper would divert the attention away from itself, our car decided to take the Fifth, and wait for its counsel to arrive. I'm hoping our glorious president's use of waterboarding is transferable to inanimate objects... our block's freedom is at stake.
Other than that, all is well in the kingdom. Okay, not WELL, seeing as the Shaggin' Wagon died about a week before, I'm still broke, procrastinating on doing grad school applications like it's my job, and global warming is progressing at an invisible, yet terminal rate. But otherwise, really good!!
The 2005 Year in Review, in East Bushistan-style bullet points:
- "Our" president earns Torture University lettermans jacket, gets low-five from Mr. Undisclosed Location
- Brangelina bursts forth onto the paparazzi scene, all those in the proximity of said bursting are afflicted.
- U.S. shortlists 'Countries to Invade Next,' conspiciously avoiding any African nations (that would be, like, soooooo 1944," says Secretary of State Condi Rice.
- Wisteria Lane Hysteria strikes those with girlfriends and/or wives. All others appear unaffected.
- Paris Hilton voted "Most Likely to Turn Into a Black Hole of Nothingness and Envelop Us All"
- FEMA Chief Michael Brown drops ball on Hurricane Katrina, claims, "It wasn't my job." Calamity ensues.
- Hurricanes Katrina and Rita highlights fact that, perhaps, and I'm probably going out on a limb here, oil may not be the most efficient (or safest) way to makethe world go 'round.
- Sasha gets into Columbia, her boyfriend becomes excited about moving to Cockroach Capital of United States.
- Jerry Falwell announces that global warming is an eco-terrorist myth propagated by pro-choice activists. Those still living in FEMA cities give him the finger.
- Gigantic tidal wave hits Indonesia and India, those at NOAA who monitor these things claim, "I didn't know I had to TELL anyone that a 70 foot wave was headed for populated areas. We just STUDY those things..."
- Red Sox Nation still reeling from previous October. Red Sox management responds in kind by getting rid of general manager, key players, and pissing off rest of team. Batboy Chet Williams excited about batting cleanup in '06. Red Sox Nation braces for next 86 years.
- CIA Chief Tenet gets medal for work to identify Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Prevous reports of irony being dead apparently false. It is alive and well, and living with Abe Vigoda.
- In a 2000 presidential debate, Bush claimed to be "not into nation building." At a 2005 press conference, president heard to say to an aide, "Fuck that, we're going to build the shit outta Iraq."
- Cause-related wristbands become en vogue. Finally, after 25 years of AIDS, everyone's wearing a rubber...
- February 2nd - Groundhog's Day came and went again. Nobody noticed except a few city councilors in Pennsylvania.
April 26, 2006
Answers, answers everywhere, and not a soul to think...
At last! Answers to why oil prices are so high, from the future mouthpiece of the President of the United States. To wit, energy price spikes can be blamed on the following:
1) People who complain about Donald Rumsfield; and
2) Iran possibly having a nuclear weapon (though we haven't received any oil from them since 1978)
Don't believe me?
http://thinkprogress.org/2006/04/19/snow-oil-rumsfeld/
1) People who complain about Donald Rumsfield; and
2) Iran possibly having a nuclear weapon (though we haven't received any oil from them since 1978)
Don't believe me?
http://thinkprogress.org/2006/04/19/snow-oil-rumsfeld/
April 25, 2006
The (next) Hardest Working Man in Show Business
...and now! Straight from Fox News! Where 'fair and balanced' is more than just words you thought you knew the definitions of! The one! The only! The next Press Secretary to the President of the United States, Tony Snow!!!!!!!!
...or at least, SOMEONE from Fox News will be the next press secretary. I'm just hearing it's going to be Tony Snowprano, and I thought I'd get a jump on the champagne and spare ribs.
Tim
...or at least, SOMEONE from Fox News will be the next press secretary. I'm just hearing it's going to be Tony Snowprano, and I thought I'd get a jump on the champagne and spare ribs.
Tim
April 23, 2006
Move over Matt Drudge...
Well, it's about f'ing time that I joined the 21st century and started a blog (Boring, laughable, obnoxious griping).
In any case, there is a multitude of things I should be doing besides sending out my mindless drivel into the cosmos, so I will be going.
Though we may only have two and half years of West Texas Justice left, here's hoping for Jeb in '08. But only so I don't have to change the name of this page.
Though East Obamastan does have a nice ring to it...
In any case, there is a multitude of things I should be doing besides sending out my mindless drivel into the cosmos, so I will be going.
Though we may only have two and half years of West Texas Justice left, here's hoping for Jeb in '08. But only so I don't have to change the name of this page.
Though East Obamastan does have a nice ring to it...
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