Okay, that's it. I've had enough...

October 3, 2005

Okay, that's it. I've had enough...

I don't know how close y'all been watching the news these days, but personally, I've got CNN coming out of my ass. But did you know... how do I say this? CBS News has confirmed that FEMA rehired Michael Brown as a consultant.

Okay, I've never personally hired anybody (as my current salary will attest), but do you bring back someone who dillydallied as a whole region of people suffered, sent truckloads of ice to Maine for safekeeping instead of to Louisiana (you simply can't make this shit up), allowed the Strom Thurmond-loving Trent Lott to go up in a helicopter to check out the status of his oceanside fourth home instead of rescuing folks who were DYING, whose only qualification was dealing with mishod horseshoe emergencies, to come back on as a consultant? I mean, really? Is the absense of logic so thoroughly deep that a unqualified asshat was the best you could do for hired help? Allah help the Republican Party in the midterm elections.

But Katrina DID look like a choice-hating fetus, didn't it?

In other news, Doubleya still hasn't had public speaking lessons in five years. Anybody catch his, "Ya gotta....uh...you know....like.... be a conserver" speech? Mastercard is currently working on the rights to the footage.

We are still looking for Osama. Or are we? Are our armed forces too preoccupied with trying to hustle back with their tails between their legs from a senseless quagmire known as Iraq to assist their fellow Americans in the worst natural disaster to hit our country, ever, to look for a guy we haven't tried to find in four years? To the Administration's credit, the most recent Gallup Poll suggests that most wealthy white Americans could give a rat's ass about finding Done That, Bin Laden. Just stream-of-thoughtin' here, seeing who will salute to what flag I run up my bomb-throwing flagpole.

Sorry, yet another tangent in tangent-filled diatribe of liberal yumminess. In cinema news, check out the movie "Tiptoes". If you don't have Netflix, I bet you have a neighbor who does. Just convince him or her to rent it, then steal it when they put it out for the mailman. Not that I'm advocating violating the third corollary to the 2nd of the Lord Almighty God's Commandments (or the 4th, but who among you knows the order of these God-Laws anyways?), but if you can always claim you were trying to keep the Postal Service on it's toes (tip toes, remember the name, you won't regret it).

Must I continue with this tripe? The answer is yes. Oh, yes. THE DIGRESSION MARATHON CONTINUETH!!

Look it up, continueth is a Shakespearean term for 'nothing better to do in Avon.' But in the interest of transparency, while I was born in Avon, as my mother will attest (at Camp X-Ray), I did not actually grow up there. Which begs the question, how did my English get so good...eth? The answer: adult education classes. Okay, I'm annoying myself. This is what happens without a good editor -- you get a David Foster Wallace email. Funny man, though a terrible excuse for a guy who knows how to end a book.

"This just in: we still need more science to determine whether global warming is even real, and whether if it will actually have a detrimental effect on our economy. From the cholera-ridden, oil-soaked waters of St. Bernard Parish which was recently hit with an 80 mile wide, 30 foot high flood surge, this is Tim Woodall, reporting."

We need more oil! We need to build democracy in fundamentalist nations! Gay marriage will bring about more hurricanes as God's Wrath shows us being yourself is wrong! We need more old college roomates overseeing the health and welfare of millions! We need kids to pledge their allegence to God! Everyday! With gusto and no complaining! We need to continue to disparage the French who saved our ass in the Revolutionary War! We need to make the phrase 'fair and balanced' the laughingstock of the Oxford English Dictionary! Loud noises!

As for me, I've recently taken up both rock-climbing and ultimate frisbee. "But Tim," you ask, "didn't your hippy ass do both of those things before?" The answer: sort of, but not really (Ari Fleischer has an assistant opening in his new office, I'm just practicing...). Also, I helped edit a recent report we put out on the effect of climate change on the insurance industry.

Cliffs Notes Version: Global warming is liberal, sky-is-falling-claptrap, but you likely won't be able to buy property insurance within 5 miles of any coastline in 20 years. And if we find that half of our crops are being damaged by hail every year, it's likely Hillary had a hand in it (current annual price tag to the crop insurance insurance industry: $13B, with a 'B'). Lastly, it seems we're moving to the NYC next summer/fall, in case any of you were planning on finally moving to Boston.

Okay, my work is done here. (read: I've been canceled) I'll write you again when God instructs my hands to send another message to His Chosen People.

From East Bushistan, I love lamp.