October 3, 2005
Okay, that's it. I've had enough...
I don't know how close y'all been watching the news these days, but personally, I've got CNN coming out of my ass. But did you know... how do I say this? CBS News has confirmed that FEMA rehired Michael Brown as a consultant.
Okay, I've never personally hired anybody (as my current salary will attest), but do you bring back someone who dillydallied as a whole region of people suffered, sent truckloads of ice to Maine for safekeeping instead of to Louisiana (you simply can't make this shit up), allowed the Strom Thurmond-loving Trent Lott to go up in a helicopter to check out the status of his oceanside fourth home instead of rescuing folks who were DYING, whose only qualification was dealing with mishod horseshoe emergencies, to come back on as a consultant? I mean, really? Is the absense of logic so thoroughly deep that a unqualified asshat was the best you could do for hired help? Allah help the Republican Party in the midterm elections.
But Katrina DID look like a choice-hating fetus, didn't it?
In other news, Doubleya still hasn't had public speaking lessons in five years. Anybody catch his, "Ya gotta....uh...you know....like.... be a conserver" speech? Mastercard is currently working on the rights to the footage.
We are still looking for Osama. Or are we? Are our armed forces too preoccupied with trying to hustle back with their tails between their legs from a senseless quagmire known as Iraq to assist their fellow Americans in the worst natural disaster to hit our country, ever, to look for a guy we haven't tried to find in four years? To the Administration's credit, the most recent Gallup Poll suggests that most wealthy white Americans could give a rat's ass about finding Done That, Bin Laden. Just stream-of-thoughtin' here, seeing who will salute to what flag I run up my bomb-throwing flagpole.
Sorry, yet another tangent in tangent-filled diatribe of liberal yumminess. In cinema news, check out the movie "Tiptoes". If you don't have Netflix, I bet you have a neighbor who does. Just convince him or her to rent it, then steal it when they put it out for the mailman. Not that I'm advocating violating the third corollary to the 2nd of the Lord Almighty God's Commandments (or the 4th, but who among you knows the order of these God-Laws anyways?), but if you can always claim you were trying to keep the Postal Service on it's toes (tip toes, remember the name, you won't regret it).
Must I continue with this tripe? The answer is yes. Oh, yes. THE DIGRESSION MARATHON CONTINUETH!!
Look it up, continueth is a Shakespearean term for 'nothing better to do in Avon.' But in the interest of transparency, while I was born in Avon, as my mother will attest (at Camp X-Ray), I did not actually grow up there. Which begs the question, how did my English get so good...eth? The answer: adult education classes. Okay, I'm annoying myself. This is what happens without a good editor -- you get a David Foster Wallace email. Funny man, though a terrible excuse for a guy who knows how to end a book.
"This just in: we still need more science to determine whether global warming is even real, and whether if it will actually have a detrimental effect on our economy. From the cholera-ridden, oil-soaked waters of St. Bernard Parish which was recently hit with an 80 mile wide, 30 foot high flood surge, this is Tim Woodall, reporting."
We need more oil! We need to build democracy in fundamentalist nations! Gay marriage will bring about more hurricanes as God's Wrath shows us being yourself is wrong! We need more old college roomates overseeing the health and welfare of millions! We need kids to pledge their allegence to God! Everyday! With gusto and no complaining! We need to continue to disparage the French who saved our ass in the Revolutionary War! We need to make the phrase 'fair and balanced' the laughingstock of the Oxford English Dictionary! Loud noises!
As for me, I've recently taken up both rock-climbing and ultimate frisbee. "But Tim," you ask, "didn't your hippy ass do both of those things before?" The answer: sort of, but not really (Ari Fleischer has an assistant opening in his new office, I'm just practicing...). Also, I helped edit a recent report we put out on the effect of climate change on the insurance industry.
Cliffs Notes Version: Global warming is liberal, sky-is-falling-claptrap, but you likely won't be able to buy property insurance within 5 miles of any coastline in 20 years. And if we find that half of our crops are being damaged by hail every year, it's likely Hillary had a hand in it (current annual price tag to the crop insurance insurance industry: $13B, with a 'B'). Lastly, it seems we're moving to the NYC next summer/fall, in case any of you were planning on finally moving to Boston.
Okay, my work is done here. (read: I've been canceled) I'll write you again when God instructs my hands to send another message to His Chosen People.
From East Bushistan, I love lamp.
April 28, 2006
State of the Bushistan Address
February 26, 2006
For my requisite State of the East Bushistan Address, I give you the following bulleted list:
- [Vice] President Shoots World's Most Prolific Executor of Minors - Iran Giggles
- President** Calls for More Renewable Energy Research, Then Cuts Budget for Said Research by 13% (Irony screams, "I'm Aliiiiivvve!!")
- President** Gives Port Contract to Country that Supported the Taliban (Didn't we invade a country for this?)
- Kyoto Relative Arrives at US Shores - Northeast's Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative Approved by States (www.rggi.org)
- "Evolution is For Monkeys," Says PA School Board -- Community Gives School Board the Finger and Pink Slips
- Abortion Nearly Outlawed in South Dakota - Unwanted Children Everywhere Rejoice
- U.N. Still America's Little Bitch - John Bolten explains, "You have no business trying to be a worldwide democracy. We ARE democracy!"
- New Study: Icebergs Melting at Twice Pace as Previously thought - Frosty exclaims, "Oh shit..."
- America Still Being Treated as Liberators in Iraq - "Flowers and Songs" Death Total Now Above 2,200
- Scooter Libby May in Fact Rat out Shooter Fibby (and Turd Blossom) - Comedians Overwhelmed by Late Night Fodder
- "Man/Lizard Hybrids Running Amok in Our Cities," warns President*** - EBR editor wonders why nobody's talking about this...
Okay, that's not a comprehensive list, but apparently I'm not being paid to write drivel...
** Two "won" elections deserves two asterisks
*** Verbatim from State of the Union address: "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos." WTF!?!?!?!?
For my requisite State of the East Bushistan Address, I give you the following bulleted list:
- [Vice] President Shoots World's Most Prolific Executor of Minors - Iran Giggles
- President** Calls for More Renewable Energy Research, Then Cuts Budget for Said Research by 13% (Irony screams, "I'm Aliiiiivvve!!")
- President** Gives Port Contract to Country that Supported the Taliban (Didn't we invade a country for this?)
- Kyoto Relative Arrives at US Shores - Northeast's Regional Greenhouse Gas Initiative Approved by States (www.rggi.org)
- "Evolution is For Monkeys," Says PA School Board -- Community Gives School Board the Finger and Pink Slips
- Abortion Nearly Outlawed in South Dakota - Unwanted Children Everywhere Rejoice
- U.N. Still America's Little Bitch - John Bolten explains, "You have no business trying to be a worldwide democracy. We ARE democracy!"
- New Study: Icebergs Melting at Twice Pace as Previously thought - Frosty exclaims, "Oh shit..."
- America Still Being Treated as Liberators in Iraq - "Flowers and Songs" Death Total Now Above 2,200
- Scooter Libby May in Fact Rat out Shooter Fibby (and Turd Blossom) - Comedians Overwhelmed by Late Night Fodder
- "Man/Lizard Hybrids Running Amok in Our Cities," warns President*** - EBR editor wonders why nobody's talking about this...
Okay, that's not a comprehensive list, but apparently I'm not being paid to write drivel...
** Two "won" elections deserves two asterisks
*** Verbatim from State of the Union address: "Tonight I ask you to pass legislation to prohibit the most egregious abuses of medical research: human cloning in all its forms; creating or implanting embryos for experiments; creating human-animal hybrids; and buying, selling or patenting human embryos." WTF!?!?!?!?
A Block at War
I realize that I've sent around a number of EBR's over the years (and in it's previous incarnation as the Planet Excel Times), but I thought I'd try and get them all in one place for a change.
Therefore, ergo proctor hoc, caveat emptor, I will be posting old missives, possibly to your dismay.... And, in the interest of full disclosure, some editing has been done to both preserve the innocent, as well as wrongfully indict the guilty.
Tim
**************************************************************
January 1, 2006
EAST BUSHISTAN REPORT - A BLOCK AT WAR
Ah yes. The time o' year when the endless possibilities of the coming year
stretch out before us...
...and a night when our 29 hour-old car was innocently parked behind a large, white Suburban that, well, exploded.
Imagine our surprise upon coming home at 3 in the morning on a snowy New Years night, to find that our proud new car is, as we surmised, a CIA agent.
When we brought home the car just over a day before, I commented to Sasha that, given its complete and utter non-descriptness, and ability to blend into any parking lot, our new purchase likely reports to The Man. Our suspicions were confirmed when we found the car sitting 'innocently' next to the burned out wreck in front of it. Thinking that perhaps a few burns and melted bumper would divert the attention away from itself, our car decided to take the Fifth, and wait for its counsel to arrive. I'm hoping our glorious president's use of waterboarding is transferable to inanimate objects... our block's freedom is at stake.
Other than that, all is well in the kingdom. Okay, not WELL, seeing as the Shaggin' Wagon died about a week before, I'm still broke, procrastinating on doing grad school applications like it's my job, and global warming is progressing at an invisible, yet terminal rate. But otherwise, really good!!
The 2005 Year in Review, in East Bushistan-style bullet points:
- "Our" president earns Torture University lettermans jacket, gets low-five from Mr. Undisclosed Location
- Brangelina bursts forth onto the paparazzi scene, all those in the proximity of said bursting are afflicted.
- U.S. shortlists 'Countries to Invade Next,' conspiciously avoiding any African nations (that would be, like, soooooo 1944," says Secretary of State Condi Rice.
- Wisteria Lane Hysteria strikes those with girlfriends and/or wives. All others appear unaffected.
- Paris Hilton voted "Most Likely to Turn Into a Black Hole of Nothingness and Envelop Us All"
- FEMA Chief Michael Brown drops ball on Hurricane Katrina, claims, "It wasn't my job." Calamity ensues.
- Hurricanes Katrina and Rita highlights fact that, perhaps, and I'm probably going out on a limb here, oil may not be the most efficient (or safest) way to makethe world go 'round.
- Sasha gets into Columbia, her boyfriend becomes excited about moving to Cockroach Capital of United States.
- Jerry Falwell announces that global warming is an eco-terrorist myth propagated by pro-choice activists. Those still living in FEMA cities give him the finger.
- Gigantic tidal wave hits Indonesia and India, those at NOAA who monitor these things claim, "I didn't know I had to TELL anyone that a 70 foot wave was headed for populated areas. We just STUDY those things..."
- Red Sox Nation still reeling from previous October. Red Sox management responds in kind by getting rid of general manager, key players, and pissing off rest of team. Batboy Chet Williams excited about batting cleanup in '06. Red Sox Nation braces for next 86 years.
- CIA Chief Tenet gets medal for work to identify Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Prevous reports of irony being dead apparently false. It is alive and well, and living with Abe Vigoda.
- In a 2000 presidential debate, Bush claimed to be "not into nation building." At a 2005 press conference, president heard to say to an aide, "Fuck that, we're going to build the shit outta Iraq."
- Cause-related wristbands become en vogue. Finally, after 25 years of AIDS, everyone's wearing a rubber...
- February 2nd - Groundhog's Day came and went again. Nobody noticed except a few city councilors in Pennsylvania.
Therefore, ergo proctor hoc, caveat emptor, I will be posting old missives, possibly to your dismay.... And, in the interest of full disclosure, some editing has been done to both preserve the innocent, as well as wrongfully indict the guilty.
Tim
**************************************************************
January 1, 2006
EAST BUSHISTAN REPORT - A BLOCK AT WAR
Ah yes. The time o' year when the endless possibilities of the coming year
stretch out before us...
...and a night when our 29 hour-old car was innocently parked behind a large, white Suburban that, well, exploded.
Imagine our surprise upon coming home at 3 in the morning on a snowy New Years night, to find that our proud new car is, as we surmised, a CIA agent.
When we brought home the car just over a day before, I commented to Sasha that, given its complete and utter non-descriptness, and ability to blend into any parking lot, our new purchase likely reports to The Man. Our suspicions were confirmed when we found the car sitting 'innocently' next to the burned out wreck in front of it. Thinking that perhaps a few burns and melted bumper would divert the attention away from itself, our car decided to take the Fifth, and wait for its counsel to arrive. I'm hoping our glorious president's use of waterboarding is transferable to inanimate objects... our block's freedom is at stake.
Other than that, all is well in the kingdom. Okay, not WELL, seeing as the Shaggin' Wagon died about a week before, I'm still broke, procrastinating on doing grad school applications like it's my job, and global warming is progressing at an invisible, yet terminal rate. But otherwise, really good!!
The 2005 Year in Review, in East Bushistan-style bullet points:
- "Our" president earns Torture University lettermans jacket, gets low-five from Mr. Undisclosed Location
- Brangelina bursts forth onto the paparazzi scene, all those in the proximity of said bursting are afflicted.
- U.S. shortlists 'Countries to Invade Next,' conspiciously avoiding any African nations (that would be, like, soooooo 1944," says Secretary of State Condi Rice.
- Wisteria Lane Hysteria strikes those with girlfriends and/or wives. All others appear unaffected.
- Paris Hilton voted "Most Likely to Turn Into a Black Hole of Nothingness and Envelop Us All"
- FEMA Chief Michael Brown drops ball on Hurricane Katrina, claims, "It wasn't my job." Calamity ensues.
- Hurricanes Katrina and Rita highlights fact that, perhaps, and I'm probably going out on a limb here, oil may not be the most efficient (or safest) way to makethe world go 'round.
- Sasha gets into Columbia, her boyfriend becomes excited about moving to Cockroach Capital of United States.
- Jerry Falwell announces that global warming is an eco-terrorist myth propagated by pro-choice activists. Those still living in FEMA cities give him the finger.
- Gigantic tidal wave hits Indonesia and India, those at NOAA who monitor these things claim, "I didn't know I had to TELL anyone that a 70 foot wave was headed for populated areas. We just STUDY those things..."
- Red Sox Nation still reeling from previous October. Red Sox management responds in kind by getting rid of general manager, key players, and pissing off rest of team. Batboy Chet Williams excited about batting cleanup in '06. Red Sox Nation braces for next 86 years.
- CIA Chief Tenet gets medal for work to identify Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Prevous reports of irony being dead apparently false. It is alive and well, and living with Abe Vigoda.
- In a 2000 presidential debate, Bush claimed to be "not into nation building." At a 2005 press conference, president heard to say to an aide, "Fuck that, we're going to build the shit outta Iraq."
- Cause-related wristbands become en vogue. Finally, after 25 years of AIDS, everyone's wearing a rubber...
- February 2nd - Groundhog's Day came and went again. Nobody noticed except a few city councilors in Pennsylvania.
April 26, 2006
Answers, answers everywhere, and not a soul to think...
At last! Answers to why oil prices are so high, from the future mouthpiece of the President of the United States. To wit, energy price spikes can be blamed on the following:
1) People who complain about Donald Rumsfield; and
2) Iran possibly having a nuclear weapon (though we haven't received any oil from them since 1978)
Don't believe me?
http://thinkprogress.org/2006/04/19/snow-oil-rumsfeld/
1) People who complain about Donald Rumsfield; and
2) Iran possibly having a nuclear weapon (though we haven't received any oil from them since 1978)
Don't believe me?
http://thinkprogress.org/2006/04/19/snow-oil-rumsfeld/
April 25, 2006
The (next) Hardest Working Man in Show Business
...and now! Straight from Fox News! Where 'fair and balanced' is more than just words you thought you knew the definitions of! The one! The only! The next Press Secretary to the President of the United States, Tony Snow!!!!!!!!
...or at least, SOMEONE from Fox News will be the next press secretary. I'm just hearing it's going to be Tony Snowprano, and I thought I'd get a jump on the champagne and spare ribs.
Tim
...or at least, SOMEONE from Fox News will be the next press secretary. I'm just hearing it's going to be Tony Snowprano, and I thought I'd get a jump on the champagne and spare ribs.
Tim
April 23, 2006
Move over Matt Drudge...
Well, it's about f'ing time that I joined the 21st century and started a blog (Boring, laughable, obnoxious griping).
In any case, there is a multitude of things I should be doing besides sending out my mindless drivel into the cosmos, so I will be going.
Though we may only have two and half years of West Texas Justice left, here's hoping for Jeb in '08. But only so I don't have to change the name of this page.
Though East Obamastan does have a nice ring to it...
In any case, there is a multitude of things I should be doing besides sending out my mindless drivel into the cosmos, so I will be going.
Though we may only have two and half years of West Texas Justice left, here's hoping for Jeb in '08. But only so I don't have to change the name of this page.
Though East Obamastan does have a nice ring to it...
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