A Block at War

I realize that I've sent around a number of EBR's over the years (and in it's previous incarnation as the Planet Excel Times), but I thought I'd try and get them all in one place for a change.

Therefore, ergo proctor hoc, caveat emptor, I will be posting old missives, possibly to your dismay.... And, in the interest of full disclosure, some editing has been done to both preserve the innocent, as well as wrongfully indict the guilty.

Tim

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January 1, 2006

EAST BUSHISTAN REPORT - A BLOCK AT WAR

Ah yes. The time o' year when the endless possibilities of the coming year
stretch out before us...


...and a night when our 29 hour-old car was innocently parked behind a large, white Suburban that, well, exploded.

Imagine our surprise upon coming home at 3 in the morning on a snowy New Years night, to find that our proud new car is, as we surmised, a CIA agent.

When we brought home the car just over a day before, I commented to Sasha that, given its complete and utter non-descriptness, and ability to blend into any parking lot, our new purchase likely reports to The Man. Our suspicions were confirmed when we found the car sitting 'innocently' next to the burned out wreck in front of it. Thinking that perhaps a few burns and melted bumper would divert the attention away from itself, our car decided to take the Fifth, and wait for its counsel to arrive. I'm hoping our glorious president's use of waterboarding is transferable to inanimate objects... our block's freedom is at stake.

Other than that, all is well in the kingdom. Okay, not WELL, seeing as the Shaggin' Wagon died about a week before, I'm still broke, procrastinating on doing grad school applications like it's my job, and global warming is progressing at an invisible, yet terminal rate. But otherwise, really good!!

The 2005 Year in Review, in East Bushistan-style bullet points:

- "Our" president earns Torture University lettermans jacket, gets low-five from Mr. Undisclosed Location

- Brangelina bursts forth onto the paparazzi scene, all those in the proximity of said bursting are afflicted.

- U.S. shortlists 'Countries to Invade Next,' conspiciously avoiding any African nations (that would be, like, soooooo 1944," says Secretary of State Condi Rice.

- Wisteria Lane Hysteria strikes those with girlfriends and/or wives. All others appear unaffected.

- Paris Hilton voted "Most Likely to Turn Into a Black Hole of Nothingness and Envelop Us All"

- FEMA Chief Michael Brown drops ball on Hurricane Katrina, claims, "It wasn't my job." Calamity ensues.

- Hurricanes Katrina and Rita highlights fact that, perhaps, and I'm probably going out on a limb here, oil may not be the most efficient (or safest) way to makethe world go 'round.

- Sasha gets into Columbia, her boyfriend becomes excited about moving to Cockroach Capital of United States.

- Jerry Falwell announces that global warming is an eco-terrorist myth propagated by pro-choice activists. Those still living in FEMA cities give him the finger.

- Gigantic tidal wave hits Indonesia and India, those at NOAA who monitor these things claim, "I didn't know I had to TELL anyone that a 70 foot wave was headed for populated areas. We just STUDY those things..."

- Red Sox Nation still reeling from previous October. Red Sox management responds in kind by getting rid of general manager, key players, and pissing off rest of team. Batboy Chet Williams excited about batting cleanup in '06. Red Sox Nation braces for next 86 years.

- CIA Chief Tenet gets medal for work to identify Iraq's weapons of mass destruction. Prevous reports of irony being dead apparently false. It is alive and well, and living with Abe Vigoda.

- In a 2000 presidential debate, Bush claimed to be "not into nation building." At a 2005 press conference, president heard to say to an aide, "Fuck that, we're going to build the shit outta Iraq."

- Cause-related wristbands become en vogue. Finally, after 25 years of AIDS, everyone's wearing a rubber...

- February 2nd - Groundhog's Day came and went again. Nobody noticed except a few city councilors in Pennsylvania.